Elisha Learns to Fly

Upheaval

2012-02-26T06:33:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, my husband lost his job. Let's put it this way: he was an IT admin at a large pharmaceutical company. I am a part time assistant. To say that we have no money right now is an understatement.

We're dealing. He's decided to become a truck driver, long haul. It's something he always thought about doing, because he's never been happy in the office environment, so now he's going to go for it.

But this is going to mean huge changes for us. Of course, he won't be home much. And the pay will be somewhat less. And he won't be home.

I honestly think that him being away from home will be good for our marriage. I've made no secret of the fact that we have struggled, though I think part of it was because he was miserable in his job and a bit miserable with himself. Even still, perhaps not being in each other's hair all the time will be a good thing.

But that still leaves me here alone, basically living as a single mom, in a great big house I can no long afford.

A few months back Daughter and I went to stay with my parents for a while, due to the aforementioned marital frustrations. They offered to convert my dad's old workshop above their garage into an apartment for me, which they had been thinking of doing anyway for my grandma, a sort of in-law suite. Since I can't afford or take care of this huge house on my own, and since Daughter wants to stay at the farm anyway, we're going to take them up on their offer.

This also means we're selling the house, and most of what we own, then saving as much as we can until we can afford to build a house.

It's funny, because there have been so many times I've just wanted to chuck it all and start over. I am not overly sentimental, and I have no great attachment to the things I own. It's just stuff. Sure, I'm keeping my Kitchen Aid mixer, because it would be silly to sell it, then pay full price for another one exactly like it in a couple of years, and my Keep Calm and Carry On poster with the handmade border/frame I made, because it makes me smile every single time I see it. But I don't need this hand-me-down couch that I want to replace anyway, or the gigantic dining room suit that, although pretty, is nowhere near my style. Is that cold and unfeeling of me?

It's also funny that my husband is on board with my drastic plans. Sometimes I hold back, refrain from telling him the extremes I want to go to, because I think he'll think I'm crazy. (Yes, I recognize that this perhaps does not help with the marital frustration.) In recent weeks, he's come on board with my craziness both in terms of drastic financial moves ("I don't think we should use credit anymore. I don't want to be in debt." "Is that really possible?" "Yes, it's absolutely possible. Here are some numbers. " "OMGWOW LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW!") and plant-based dieting a la Eat to Live/Eat for Health (aff) ("I think we should move to a plant-based diet." "But I like meat!" "You don't have to stop eating meat, just incorporate more plants. It's way healthier." "OMGWOW LET'S DO IT RIGHT NOW!"). I don't know if he is feeling liberated because he's no longer stuck in a job he hates, or if we've both just come to the same philosophy at the same time.

So while not having any money really sucks, I feel hopeful. While at first I felt paralyzed, now I am looking at this as an opportunity to take our lives in a different direction. Neither of us was particularly happy with the direction we were going in--overweight and unhealthy, in debt and living paycheck to paycheck despite making a decent amount of money--so this is our impetus to change. This is our activation energy.

I am terrified, but full of hope.

Food and Money

2012-02-04T14:32:00.000-08:00

It always seems that, when I start focusing on weight loss, I want to start focusing on financial improvement as well. I have the same philosophy towards food that I do toward money--instant gratification is the way to go (much to the detriment of my entire life). There are so many parallels.

I've been reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover, which is kind of silly considering that I already know his baby steps and pretty much everything about the program. At least I borrowed it from the library instead of buying it. Anyway, he uses a lot of weight metaphors, which I find rather amusing, and rather poignant.

As I go through the book, and as I go through life, I find myself reframing thoughts and decisions in those terms. Working extra activity into my day is like taking a second job. A good workout is like paying down debt. Normal BMR is my 9-5 gig.

Eating healthy foods, fruits and veggies, that's paying with cash and buying things I can afford and actually need.

That incredibly rich, sugary, fatty dessert? That's maxing out my credit card.

All of the in-between stuff, the bread and the cheese and the pretzels and the crab cakes, that's expenses I thought I had to have but were really not such wise decisions, like getting a shiny new car or a house I can't afford.

It's funny, because I'm not typically a yo-yo dieter. I mean, yo-yos go down sometimes, and I've only ever lost weight once. Maybe I'm just a very slow yo-yo. But I do yo-yo with my credit/finances. I'll work super hard to pay everything off, and then a month or two after I make the final payment, cha-ching! There goes the credit card.

On my My Thunder Thighs blog, I talked about how I'm moving toward the Eat for Health diet plan. I really feel that it's the ideal way to eat for a lifetime, not just in order to lose weight, and I'm moving more and more in that direction with what I am actually eating.

I also cancelled my credit card. They offered to eliminate my annual fee and raise my limit, and even threatened that closing my card would hurt my credit score. I told them that I don't want to use credit any more, so what difference does it make if my score drops a point or two? Your credit score is only a problem if you're trying to get more credit. I don't want credit at all, because CREDIT MEANS DEBT. I don't want any more debt.

Just like I don't want any more excess weight (also debt, to yourself).

I want to be free, which means I need to start paying with cash.

Finding My Joy

2012-01-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

(Cross-posted to My Thunder Thighs)

I'm reading If I'm So Smart, Why Can't I Lose Weight?: Tools to Get it Done (aff) by Brooke Castillo, and she classifies food/eating into different categories. One of the categories is Joy Eating, or, simply, food that we eat purely for pleasure.

Castillo maintains that we should get, at most, 10% of the joy in our lives from food, and if we're getting more than that, we need to find another source of joy.

When I think about it, I realize that the vast majority of my joy come from food. VAST majority, like 75%.

How sad is that?

Really, I have a great life, and I recognize that. I have a nice home (regardless of how clean it is), I have a job that I actually enjoy and coworkers I like, I have all of my needs met, I have a wonderful family, I have a husband who loves me, and I have the World's Best Daughter. Shouldn't all of those things be where I find my joy?

On the other hand, I understand that I don't really have much else going on. Yes, my daughter does bring me joy on a daily basis. She makes me laugh and brightens my every day. I estimate that she is 20% of my joy.

Add that to the 75% I get from food, and that leaves me with 5% that I get elsewhere. A measley FIVE percent. And where do I get that? Mostly reading, or watching Netflix, or cooking (which is food, again), or reading blogs. All of that, even though it seems like I spend so much time on those things, only adds up to five percent.

I think that I do spend so much of my time on those things because I am constantly looking for more joy, but the truth is that all of those things could never give me more than that small amount of joy, no matter how much I partake, because that is all the joy they hold for me.

If I'm being honest, I think cooking could hold more joy if it wasn't so intricately tied with guilt about eating whatever unhealthy thing it is that I'm cooking. I love to cook, and I love to try new recipes. I just always feel bad about it afterwards, so that cancels out some of the joy.

And really, eating doesn't bring me that much joy, for mostly the same reason. Yet I continue to look for it there, like my happiness lies at the bottom of a bag of Doritos. Hint: It doesn't. It's not even in the cookie jar. I looked.

Food will NEVER supply that much joy, because that's not the point of food. It only has so much joy to offer me, and it's not all the joy that I need.

The solution, obviously, is to find other sources of joy in my life. What else brings me joy?

Running brings me joy. Of course, there is the whole ankle-knee-back thing going on right now, plus the facts that a) I cancelled my gym membership, b) the treadmill I have at home is too crappy for me to run on, and c) it's winter in WV and I don't feel like running in 6" of snow (much less driving to the trail). I know none of these things has to stop me, not permanently, and I fully intend to go back to running as soon as possible. It just doesn't feel possible right now.

Writing brings me joy. At least it used to. I keep trying to get back to that place, but now it feels like more of a chore, like it's something I'm trying to force myself to enjoy rather than just letting it happen. I know I will enjoy it once I open myself to the flow of it, but it is difficult to get back there.

Yoga brings me joy. Each and every time I do a pose, even just one single pose, I feel better. Why have I not made yoga a part of my daily life?

Crafting/creating brings me joy. I like to make beautiful things, but I feel like I'm not good at it. The flip side is, if I spent more time on it, I would get better at it, and enjoy it more.

Designing/decorating brings me joy. Unfortunately I feel this one is too expensive to really do much of, at least for the time being. I can take a few minutes here and there to plan what my dream house would look like, though (and usually do).

Reading brings me joy. This is the one that I actually do a good bit of. Not as much as I'd like, and not the type that I'd like, but at least it's in there. I review books, and I think I might cut back on reviewing fiction (I'll still review cookbooks), because it always seems to bring me down, or at the very least slow me down, when I have to write a review.

Cooking brings me joy. Yes, it also brings guilt, but that is dependent upon the type of food I make. Trying new, healthy recipes does not make me guilty, and so can be purely joyful. I need more of that in my life, for purposes of both joy and health.

Lifting weights brings me joy. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel like I'm doing something good for myself. It makes me feel capable. I am all of those things, and I need to prove it to myself more often.

Talking to friends brings me joy. Even as much as I hate talking on the phone, I love talking to my friends, whether it be online, on the phone, via text, or in person. There are people in this world who bring me joy, and I need to spend more time with them, even if it is virtual.

Travelling brings me joy. I love seeing new places, new sights, taking in a new view. I love to explore this big, beautiful world we live in. This is somewhat cost prohibitive at the moment, but there's no reason I couldn't explore more of my local world. I live in a breath-takingly beautiful place, and I could certainly enjoy it more. Especially once spring gets here and I can spend more time outdoors, I can explore the world around me.

So I've been thinking about all of this for a few days, and it occurs to me that I might enjoy having some other activity outside my home, even outside my family. One thing I've wanted to do for a long, long time is roller derby.

Now, I can't skate. I don't have skates. I don't remember the last time I went skating, but it was years, probably decades ago. However, I think roller derby looks AWESOME. I even have the perfect derby name: The Apocalish. Oh yeah.

So a few days ago I saw a post on Craigslist for the local roller derby team, and I emailed about it. I've been going back and forth with the team trying to figure out a schedule for when I can practice, what I'm going to need, etc. I'm so excited about this.

I figure, the very worst that could happen is I don't like it, and I don't end up actually participating. But the best that could happen is it's totally amazing and I find something else that brings me joy.

My point is, I need more joy, and I'm working on finding it. I don't yet know what that is going to be, but the only way to figure that out is to try new things.

So this is me, trying new things.

I want to soar!

2012-01-13T14:31:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I started another blog. Like I don't have enough. Like I even keep up with the ones I do have.

All I know is, I can't get this title out of my head.

After all, life is about so much more than weight loss.